Monthly Archives: November 2017

Knowledge is a Burden

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A question crossed my mind the other week: if I had an opportunity to know everything about everything in the world, would I take it?

Like most people, my first reaction was “Hell fucking yes! Who wouldn’t want that! I’d win every argument! I’d cure cancer! I’d bring about global peace! Or, more likely I’d take over the world!” Then I thought about it. And realized the answer was no, no I absolutely would not.

In an age where we are so overwhelmed with knowledge that it’s impossible to keep up, it would seem at first glance like this would be a good thing. I’m never going to read every book on my list, see every play, movie or show that I want to watch. I’m never going to know as much about history, or get to every museum. Why wouldn’t I want all of that in my head?

Then I thought about the cost. The cost would be the experience. The cost would be the ability to think on my own. The cost would be the ability to feel.

In a way, the cost would be my life.

Sometimes I get so caught up in catching up that I forget that the journey is the important thing. To inherently know everything would be to eliminate experiences like my first opera, or the way it felt to see the world premiere run of Between the Lines and hear what we call “the Mermaid Song” nearly blow the doors off Spencer Theater. Or the first time I read Way of the Peaceful Warrior and felt its truth. The list of valuable experiences like that in my life is truly endless.

Knowing everything takes exploration, curiosity and wonder out of the equation. Which takes away the joy of the journey. In a way that is taking away a piece of knowledge. You learn the facts but miss the lesson about yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the pursuit of knowledge. I never want to stop learning, or growing, or changing. I want to seek. I want to understand. I want to contemplate.

I’m not satisfied with knowing. I want to engage. I want to embody.

Submissive Submitting

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Part of my re-dedication to my creative path is to write and submit short stories. And the first thing that I learned was that I have no idea what I’m doing. I wrote a story called Sirens that came in at about 8500 words (which makes you thankful for the relative brevity of these posts, doesn’t it). After several rounds of editing, and input from some trusted friends, I decided that the only way to get over my fear of submission and rejection was to actually do it. So like the big boy I wasn’t I signed up for Duotrope (website database of places accepting submissions) and got to work. Turns out my story is considered long, and only eleven places accepted horror stories of that length, and only five of those were a fit on further research.

I still haven’t heard back from any of them. That was two months ago. I guess it’s not called ghosting if it’s completely one-sided.

In an effort not to be discouraged, I immediately began work on a second short story. It’s called Power’s Out and it is much shorter than my first offering. In my opinion it is better in some ways but worse in others. I plan on submitting it nonetheless. As such, I plugged the parameters into Duotrope with the reduced word count and all of a sudden there are one hundred and thirty-two options that fit. That is twelve fucking times as many options.

That is insane to me. Lesson one, don’t ignore the short in short stories.

That first story was actually the first time I sent anything to others to read since college. I still have nightmares about those workshops. For those of you who have never had your work submitted to a writers’ group for their critique, medieval torture has nothing on that. Seriously, it’s like getting kicked in the balls repeatedly by someone wearing steel-toed cowboy boots. The pointy kind.

But it did make me a better writer. Both by being critiqued by them about what worked and what didn’t. And by reading their work, critiquing it and learning from them as well. There was also a sense of “we are all in this together” with each group.

Getting critiqued is part of being a writer. So is submitting to unknown editors who don’t know you or your talent or your potential outside of what they see on a page. Part of that process is getting comfortable with the fear of putting yourself out there (it never goes away, and is also the motivation for this blog). I’ll never stop writing for myself, but knowing I am going to put it out there for other people to consume makes me want to sharpen my A game.

Gobble Gobble

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Happy Gobble Gobble Day! This is one of my favorite holidays, and the last line of defense between me and the obnoxious apocalypse that is Christmas. You will learn all about my intense hatred for that holiday at a later date in what I imagine will be an incredibly descriptive manner. But today is about Gobble Gobble Day. Today is about what I am thankful for.

I am thankful for my friends. They are my lifeline, and my lifeblood. To me, they are each family, and I am very grateful to have them in my life.

I am thankful for my health. I am in the process of getting into the ultramarathon condition I was once in, and I have the strong base health to make that a very reachable goal.

I am thankful for my home. I love the location and character of my apartment. I am fortunate to have wonderful neighbors in an eclectic and vibrant neighborhood.

I am thankful for the experiences, good and bad, the challenges and the triumphs, that continue to shape my life. Each of them contains a lesson and a story that helps enrich me as a person.

I am thankful for my renewed passion for my creative pursuits. I had put down the pen for far too long and love beginning to take it seriously again. And for the support I have received from the people I care about as I traverse down this path. As with all things containing the unknown, it is more than a little frightening. Which is also what makes it even more exhilarating.

I wish all of you a wonderful Gobble Gobble day. And hope you have as many things to be thankful for as I do.

Snowfall of Pain

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In one of my first classes as a creative writing major a professor told me that snow was a significant literary symbol meant to serve as a great equalizer among humanity. She said something like “Social status doesn’t matter, everyone has to deal with snow and it shows we are all struggling with the same things on the inside.” I call bullshit. And I say this as an avid reader and aspiring writer, no one should have to work that hard to see the symbolism and its meaning in an author’s work. Plus, snow is setting and sometimes snow is just snow.

In terms of equalizers in fiction I have a different idea to throw out there. It’s pain. Pain is something everyone can relate to on some level. Some more than others, and seeing different types of pain on the page, screen or stage will affect people in different ways, but it will affect everyone. Also, pain is part of every story. The agonizing background of the anti-hero that propels him through the narrative. The physical wounds of a soldier trying to fight his way home. The angst of unrequited love.

Pain is a part of all narrative precisely because everyone can relate to it on some level. It will always conjure up emotion. Sometime it’s fear. Other times it’s anger. Still others it’s grief. Almost always there are feelings of empathy.

Pain helps us identify with the story. It helps us stop looking at characters as characters and makes us start looking at them as people. It makes the story more real to us. We identify with a character’s failures, and his suffering. But that also makes us rejoice in and celebrate in his triumphs even more. In short, making it real enriches the story for us.

My favorite novel is Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. The story is driven in large part by the protagonist’s fear of a cookie cutter lifestyle, the internal pain it causes and his rebellion against it. It was a concept that intensely resonated with me and allowed me to feel every page of the novel, and every frame of the movie.

Pain can invoke feelings of anger, fear and grief. Wait a minute. Actually so can snow. Maybe my old professor had it right all along.

Panic at the World Yo

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Anxiety

When I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This was back in 1995, when no one really knew what the fuck that was. I had already been in therapy at the time, processing some family issues, when I began experiencing what I soon learned where panic attacks.  A dry and clinical list of symptoms cannot describe the sheer terror of an attack. It feels like death itself is about to capture you as prey while you’re paralyzed to stop it. When people try to understand them they try to apply logic where there isn’t any.

At first I was ashamed, I thought the disorder was a sign of weakness. And it was a long time before I learned otherwise. It was even longer before I understood it. I still don’t fully and have learned that’s okay. I certainly don’t let it control me.

My anxiety has ebbed and flowed throughout my life. And I have used the disorder as an opportunity for self-examining of factors that may cause the attacks. I have learned a tremendous amount about self-reflection as a result. But that doesn’t compare at all to what I learned about myself when I opened up about it.

No one I have ever told about my disorder has ever judged me for it (at least no one I care about). It also turns out that it isn’t as uncommon as I thought. Any number of people I know have faced some type of anxiety, depression, or some other affliction that had a stigma about it that they had been ashamed to talk about at some point.

These are people of strength, and character, and perseverance. I have learned from these people and feel more comfortable and confident and at ease as a result of our mutual sharing of stories and experiences.

I’ve learned acceptance, both what it feels like to receive it, and what it feels like to extend it to others. I’ve learned, witnessed and embodied that as a result of many things in my life (and also just generally not being an asshole, or at least not that asshole). But in this arena it’s different.

My sincere hope in life is that I can use my experiences with anxiety to help anyone that is struggling. If someone doesn’t want open up to me, I understand. My hope is that they see that how beneficial my openness has been for my own well being. And that they open up for someone. That they don’t feel guilt and shame or feel they have to go it alone.

Will They Help You Bury a Body?

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One thing that I pride myself on is that I have an amazing support network of friends that care deeply about me, as I do them. My biggest hope is that I am as good of a friend to them as they are to me. And I believe that I am. There is a well-known saying: “Friends are the family that you choose.” I have lived my life believing this to be true, and I take friendships seriously.

My family life has never been the greatest. I won’t be going into any details on that here, except to say that over 85% of families are some level of dysfunctional and mine definitely qualifies. But this post isn’t about them. I only mention it because it is part of my motivation for creating the strong and supportive friendships that make my life as wonderful as it is today. I thought about listing them, but quite frankly there are too many.

My friends come from all types of backgrounds, and the thing they all have in common is their uniqueness. And one of the best things that I have learned is how much they get along and enjoy each other’s company when I blend them together. It is truly a thing of beauty to be a part of.

More than that, my friends are people I know will support me in anything, probably including murder (although I have never tested that theory). I have a comfort level with them that I don’t have anywhere else. These are people I can express my hopes, dreams and successes with. These are people who will help me process my failures and overcome my fears. These are people who will help me slay my demons while helping me find the better angels of my nature. And sometimes they help me embrace the demons too.

And that is what makes them more family to me than family.

My friends are as responsible for helping me find myself as I am. I get to learn not only from my experiences, but also from theirs. My friendships are where I feel most at home. Most like a unique and loved and supported individual. Most like a whole person. Like most people I am closer to some more than others, but I can tell you what I love most about each person I have in my life. And seldom will it be just one thing.

A friend will tell you not to kill someone who has wronged you. A good friend will tell you where to get the gun. A great friend will help you bury the body.

Mummies Aren’t Made of Toilet Paper

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Mummy

I learned something this weekend, mummies in fact are not made of toilet paper. Okay, I may have already known that particular one. I had an opportunity to go see a lecture on mummies and then the exhibit at Union Station this weekend, and it was pretty amazing. The exhibit contained a significant number of visually striking samples blended with easily digestible information. Also, I learned that rich people in Victorian times used to by mummies to unwrap at parties, which is a good indication that board games hadn’t been invented yet.

Union Station has a pretty solid reputation of bringing in quality exhibits, and this one continues this trend. You have until the end of the year if you haven’t taken the opportunity yet.

Saturday also served as a good reminder of how cool my city is, and the amazing things that it has to offer. Kansas City is a hotbed of culture if you know where to look. Even if you don’t it isn’t hard to find, or even stumble into blindly. A complete list of opportunities and options would be impossible to compile, but there’s something for everyone.

We boast world renowned museums such as the Nelson-Atkins and the World War I Museum (the only one in the US) as well as the Truman Library. The Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts is considered a world class facility while the Music Hall continuously brings Broadway shows to the City. Speaking of Broadway, I recently saw a musical at the KC Rep that a number of people (who know much more than I do about such things) believe will end up there.

And those are just the broad strokes. Music and culture festivals, smaller museums and venues highlighting local history and artists. As an aspiring writer, I am constantly inspired by the culture an energy of my surroundings, and I’ll take all the opportunities to explore that I can find.

If You Don’t Vote, You’re an Asshole

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I voted

I promised in the first post that this blog would be keeping politics to a minimum, because of the negativity and hate that are associated with it. And I plan on sticking by that. I won’t be discussing issues today (although I voted yes for a new airport if you’re interested). This is a post about voting in general.

I spent the first stretch of my adult life as a political consultant (don’t worry, no one knows what that is, not even those of us that did it). I was raised in a politically active, civic minded family. I was raised to believe that issues matter. That the way we are governed matters. And that we all have a role to play in the progression (or regression) of our society. As an unapologetic bleeding heart liberal I have very intense, definite and defined positions. I was also raised to develop what my father’s mentor (and the man I refer to as my surrogate grandfather) referred to as a “belief system.” It is a concept designed to help people be mindful of the issues, how your position fits in with your overall philosophy (whatever it may be) and it’s impact not only on yourself, but also on society as a whole.

Regardless of my political views, the thing that pisses me off the most is voter apathy. I truly don’t understand people that don’t vote. It’s more than just a duty and an obligation. It is your right, your chance for your voice to  be heard. More than the Bill of Rights that we spend so much time debating, this is what our founding fathers bled and died to create for us. The right to vote is their most important legacy. Because without it, everything else falls to shit.

“Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others.”  -Winston Churchill

 

There are any number of ways to educate yourself on the issues, so not being informed is not an excuse. Yes, there is a lot of misinformation out there, but common sense can navigate you past most of the bullshit if you let it.

And if you don’t vote, you are giving a minority of people power over the majority, and that sounds less like the ideal of democracy that I believe in. Also, people who don’t vote still feel like they have a right to bitch about government. If you don’t vote, I don’t care about your opinion, and I don’t want to hear it. If you don’t vote and spew your thoughts, all you are doing is hurting my ears. If you don’t vote, if you don’t make your voice heard when it matters, how much can you possibly believe in your own convictions?

So don’t be an asshole. Vote early, and vote often.

Crossing Streams

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Crossing Streams

With not only the emergence in recent years of increasing awesomeness from cable channels such as AMC and FX, and consistent awesomeness from premium channels like HBO and Showtime, we can now add content from a growing number of streaming services. Even those without cable have endless choices between Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime.

Is endless too much? Netflix put itself on the map (and Blockbuster out of business) by providing customers with a robust streaming lineup of several popular shows and movies for those that missed them the first time. Capitalizing on their popularity they took a page out of HBO’s playbook and created House of Cards. Since then, it has grown, and grown. And grown some more. Soon after Hulu followed suit with shows such as The Path, and more recently Handmaid’s Tale. Amazon Prime sweetened the deal on its two day shipping and streaming content by creating originals such as Man in the High Castle and Sneaky Pete.

When the streaming boom started, it was a given that whatever was released was top notch quality, and now some have the Emmys to back that up. The infusion of original, quality content served to increase the value of these services, even though not every show is for everyone.

Is too much too much? Netflix currently has contractual commitments for $16 billion (yes that is with a “b”) in forthcoming original content. My first thought was “yay, more House of Cards and OITNB,” then I started to realize, every time I turn around there is a new Netflix Original. And to be honest, a lot of them look like they suck. You know the look, it looks like the angsty teen trying too hard. Or trying too hard to look like they’re not trying (maybe that’s hipster, honestly I confuse the two). Additionally, Netflix has is getting into the movie business and take on the Hollywood Box Office machine. That makes about as much sense as taking a sledgehammer to your own balls just to prove you’re tough.

Unless we now live in a world where made for TV movies don’t suck, my concern about this is two-fold. As consumers we will ultimately pay the bill for this failed experiment. I for one want my money to developing quality, rather than quantity. I already pay too much for quantity. I call it my cable bill. My streaming services are supposed to be a vacation from that.

Streaming services are popping out of the woodwork. Two that come to mind are Disney and CBS All Access. Disney announced its own streaming service. As one of the biggest studios in the world, it has a tremendous amount of content to offer, and will leave a void in the streaming services it currently contracts with. I’m not a fan of Disney movies (not much into kid shit), but they do own Star Wars and have the resources to develop a broad spectrum of content. My problem is that between Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu (and Audible for eBooks) I need another subscription service like I need a hole in the head. I doubt very much I am alone in that issue.

My bigger problem is with CBS All Access. In the interest of full disclosure, I hate CBS.  They vomit out shitty content and call themselves the number one network. Police procedurals are television for lobotomy patients. Keep your NCIS and CSI and all the spinoffs, I want something with, what’s that thing called again, oh yeah, story. And now they are coming out with CBS All Access, a streaming service. And I wouldn’t care at all about it, but their first show is the new Star Trek, which I actually really want to watch. Just not enough to give those assholes more money for it. I understand the idea of reaching out to people who have cut the cord and don’t have cable, but this service gouges everyone. I think it is poor customer service to ask me to pay a cable bill (and all the networks have contracts with cable companies and make money off my cable bill), and then give you more money for ONE show of original content and a bunch of other shit I’ve already paid for.

I love having endless options for people of all tastes. My concern is that the quantity will undermine the quality we are enjoying, leaving the golden age at the end of its golden years.

Medium Matters

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Art is Freedom

I’m going to spend a lot of time talking about creative content, and I wanted to take an opportunity to tell you what I love about each creative medium. They each have a unique way of storytelling. I’m sure there are mediums I am missing or haven’t been exposed to yet, but for now I am going to stick to those I am exposed to on a frequent basis.

Books

Books were my first love, and still my favorite. I can read a book from start to finish in a day, real world be damned. The experience of an author’s unique voice, and the fact that no matter how descriptive he or she gets, the images of the world and characters they create come from my head, making me feel like I am part of the experience.

Audiobooks

A good narrator can bring a book to life (a shitty narrator can also kill one) while still allowing the listener to get absorbed in the world the writer creates. Audiobooks fill the nooks and crannies of life that don’t require your full attention, allowing for the enjoyment of even more content.

Podcasts

I’m relatively new to the podcast world compared to other forms of creative content. Like half the country, I was drawn in by the first season of Serial (which was amazing in case you missed it) and wanted more. One of the taglines from the podcasting community is “It’s television for your ears.” And that’s the best way to describe it. There’s something for everyone, from journalism to docudramas. From the darker corners of life to reliving your favorite television series.

Television

If books were my first love, television was my second. My first TV memories are re-runs of Lost in Space and the original Star Trek on summer mornings. I came of age at the start of the Golden Age of television, with Friends, X-Files, 90210 (the original, not that shitty remake) and my love has continued to grow as TV evolves. Like books, binging gives the opportunity to spend a day getting immersed in a different world. And a TV season allows for story and character arcs to develop over time, allowing writers to play a long game (ratings permitting).

Movies

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t get out to the movies as much. I don’t really feel like paying $10+ for just the ticket to the cinematic experience. That puts me in a lot of danger when it comes to spoilers and buzz. That being said, who doesn’t love a great movie? Everyone loves Star Wars and has an opinion on Ewoks. Quentin Tarentino changed the rules on how movies were made with Pulp Fiction. And you can get a full story, complete with a sweeping character arc in about 2 hours. And the dramatic effects bring their stories to life, I mean who doesn’t like special effects?

Comics

Much like podcasts, I am a relative newcomer. The cinematic and television universes have done a tremendous job of opening up the world of comics. I also started listening to Jay & Miles Xplain the X-Men and that got me going. Once that door was open, I quickly learned that comics aren’t just for kids (Walking Dead, Sandman, Watchmen) and that their stories have all the complexity and depth of any other medium. They blend the narrative benefits of books with the dramatic effects of art and play a long game that can span years if not decades. And they can retcon (retroactive continuity) whatever they want to suit the present narrative, which is part of the fun.

Performing Arts

Although there are significant differences between the three main types of performances I frequent (Play, Musical and Opera), for the purposes of this post I am grouping them together. The performing arts provide a uniquely intimate experience. Being part of a live audience is to share the same space as the performers. You are surrounded by the experience. A shared experience between you and the performer, and no other medium can replicate that.

This list is incomplete, and so are the descriptions. For the moment they are meant to be. I wanted to get the overview out of my system and out of the way. I will definitely be expanding on each of these, and exploring more over time. Exploring content is a constant and never ending journey.