About a year ago, the creators of the iconic game Cards Against Humanity put out a national call for writers to submit an application and work with them on further developing the cards for the game. The response was massive, and after a year of no response (they said in an auto-reply to the submission, “don’t call us, we’ll call you), I am fairly certain I was not selected. However I haven’t had so much fun “applying” for something in all of my 40 years on this earth. The application consisted of writing five original black cards and ten original white cards. Below is a basic rundown of the rules of the game for those not familiar (copied and pasted from WikiHow), followed by my submission. Hope the more deviant of you enjoy it.

“A famous party icebreaker, Cards Against Humanity is an adults-only game for players mature enough to handle the intentionally provocative (but often hilarious) topics and answers. The goal is to pair the answer and question cards in the funniest, most provocative, or cleverest way you can.

Draw ten white cards each. You can only look at your own hand of cards. Play the first black card. Have each other player choose a white answer card. Shuffle and read aloud the answer cards. Choose the best answer. Start the next round. Play until you’re sick of it.”

Black Cards

I believe there are ___________ among us, sent down to teach us ___________.

The next teenage dare fad will be _______________.

The best Saturday morning cartoons always contained ______________.

Hollywood’s next rival needs ____________.

Trump and Ivanka’s secret incest baby is named after  ___________.

White Cards

That moment you fart and are thankful it’s contained under the blanket because you know it’s ripe as fuck.

Doing anal in someone’s safe space.

Chanting in Latin during your morning poop to summon a toilet demon.

Taylor Swift getting rawdogged by Satan’s vibrator.

Avoiding oops babies by getting head from a zombie.

The creepy dude at the bar that nobody recognizes.

Grammar Nazis gone wild.

Professional athletes getting wailed on at the Special Olympics.

Anonymously sending 100 pizzas to fat camp.

Setting up a Bloody Mary bar at a church service and calling it the Blood of Christ.

Miley Cyrus going to bang town on a watermelon.

The warm wet feeling of being in a portable shitter as it tips over.

Leaving a Muppet themed porno on at daycare.

Michael Bay getting arrested for arson. Finally.

Joel Olsteen giving a sermon while using a Shake Weight.