The rules of Fight Club are so iconic that most of us can recite them more than 20 years after we first heard Tyler Durden’s famous speech. In this time of social distancing I wonder how these rules would be conveyed if they were done via Zoom.

INT. PAPER STREET HOUSE – NIGHT

Tyler sits at his dirty Apple IIe. Because it’s Tyler, of course we ask the audience to look past the fact it shouldn’t have internet, be Zoom compatible, and should only have access to Oregon Trail. The tiles of call participants saturate the screen. It looks like a testosterone fueled Brady Bunch intro where the tiles fucked like rabbits and forgot to use birth control.

They all stare in chatty anticipation, eyes looking anywhere except directly into the camera. Everyone brims with eagerness, waiting for their leader to start the meeting.

Jack (V.O.)

Every week , Tyler gave the rules that he and I decided

Tyler starts to speak, but although words are coming out, no sound is heard. He is oblivious to the fact his voice is not carrying through the internet to his followers.

Jack (V.O.)

And every week he forgets to take himself off mute first

The chatter from the other participants continues to rise until Tyler realizes his mistake, hits the button and clears his throat.

Tyler

Judging by the number of people with the code to this meeting, a lot of you have been ignoring the first two rules of Fight Club.

The first rule of Fight Club is: you don’t give out the meeting code to Fight Club. Seriously, this is a free account, don’t fuck this up.

The second rule of Fight Club is: you DO NOT give out the meeting code to Fight Club. Jesus, how many of you fuckers are there? My scroll button is getting ridden harder than Marla.

The third rule: if someone freezes, hits mute, logs off, the fight is over. No one is waiting for someone to get past their own technical issues.

The fourth rule: only two guys to a fight. Any more than that and it will break my speakers.

The fifth rule: no shoes, no pants. In fact, none of you should have put on pants for the past month.

The sixth rule: fights will go on for as long as the free zoom account allows. This isn’t a premium account maggots. You are not special. You are not a unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

The seventh rule is: rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, paper beats rock. There is no place for that Big Bang Theory bullshit in Fight Club.

The eighth rule is: if this is your first night at fight club, you have to fight